Chevalier Pointless Cafe

Chevalier Point

508 Point Chevalier Road

Pt. Chev.

We'd rode our fashion bikes past here a couple times, and were curious to check it.

The first thing I saw was one of the other patrons swatting a fly against the front window with his newspaper. From the head of the doorway they'd hung strips of clear plastic, which were clearly not functioning as intended. Pretty gross welcome really...

The surrounds are fairly unassuming, likewise the menu. Stock standard stuff really. Nothing wrong with the classics though, so she ordered the bacon benny, I the Pt Chev Mixed Grill.



Things went down hill.

After initial horror at spying yet another gimmick coffee vessel (I think it was another schooner glass) across the room, it was with relief that B's trim latte arrived in a regular sized glass after a couple minutes.
Tepid, coffee granuals floating around, "like bad instant".
After this dazzling initial review I wasn't too excited about my coffee, which hadn't yet arrived. Mine was actually OK. We decided hers needed to go back.
"Do you think you could please re-make this coffee? It doesn't taste very nice."
"What's wrong with it?"
"It just doesn't taste very nice..."
"What does it taste like?"
"Bad instant coffee..."
"OK... We'll re-make it... Yours was the trim, right?"
"Yes, my partner's is really nice, could you please make another like his?"
"It's probably cause you had trim milk..."
And then the other "barista" chimed in....

FOR FUCKS SAKE.

Hospo staff need to realise that just because you have some poxy Metro Best in Neighbourhood 2009 Award (not that hard in Pt Chev), you can't question your patrons' judgement. If your customer doesn't like the shit, half arsed coffee you made because you were too absorbed by daydreams of Grayson Coutts, don't give them attitude. Shut your mouth and make a better one, or fuck off and enrol in Servilles Academy.

This strikes me as another case of a cafe slipping into mediocrity because of lack of local competition.
It's almost not worth talking about the food. If a cafe can't be good at its most basic product, what's the point? But that wouldn't be entirely fair as it wasn't too bad. The Mixed Grill was plain but good. But they'd left a stalk in the roast tomato. The eggs on the benny were poached well, but the hollandaise "tasted like raw egg" and had made the english muffin (apparently baked fresh) soggy.

If I'm gonna fork out the best part of $40 for a breakfo, I want something better than what I could knock together at home.

Miss. Drop the attitude and try harder. Oh and Metro, don't just hand out an award to someone who's the best of a bad bunch... that's pointless.

Reviewed by A

The Piha Cafe

The Piha Cafe

Don't know the address, but it's the only cafe in Piha. Not hard to find.

B: "Why do you need a cafe in Piha?"
A: "For fucks like us"

 

The locals weren't into the idea of having The Piha Cafe. I wouldn't want Marc Ellis opening a cafe in my town either if I could help it. But somehow, someone got consent and The Piha Cafe opened. Sorry locals.

We jumped in the car and headed to Piha to watch our friend play an eclectic DJ set. How hip of us. We decided to check out this Piha Cafe that we'd seen a couple of reviews for. I can't say we'd drive to Piha to have breakfast on the regular. MAYBE Titirangi. But Piha is just a big winding road too far.

So we arrived at the cafe, found parking fairly easily (aka. right outside). Walking inside, I spied a number of "themed features". You know how much we love (try-hard) themes in cafes. There were bean bags around a low coffee table outside. Who is this for? Surfers? Do surfers like bean bags? Do they chill out after surfing a gnarly wave? I saw two women trying to eat their breakfasts whilst sitting on the beanbags, and they looked ridiculous.

The outside tables were ping pong tables. Nice idea, but poorly executed.  Between these, and the cutlery in old food tins, the lights with old Agee Jars as lamp shades and the zany "bach-like" atmosphere it was trying to create, no wonder the locals were so against it. It wasn't very sympathetic to the modern pavillion-style house that it was, and was all a bit too much to be honest.

Moving on, we ordered some food off the somewhat limited menu, although we didn't notice the specials (stylishly written on surfblackboard) until after we sat down as they were quite out of the way. I got poached eggs on toast, after being uninspired by anything else, with a side of rosemary potatoes. The male got french toast sandwich with banana and pecan, accompanied by a vanilla yoghurt and grilled bacon.

The bacon with the french toast was amazing. "It was thick, had caramelised bits on it and just was really tasty," says the male. The french toast was made from brioche and the whole dish was quite nice, but the vanilla yoghurt was slightly over the top.

The poached eggs were well cooked, although the potatoes were too many. I got almost half a bag of potatoes, and they weren't roasted long enough, still slightly hard on the inside. So yes. Good eggs, but not amazing.

Now, for the coffee. We both ordered lattes and they were both disappointing. At first we were terrified, as we had spied a couple drinking coffee from a schooner (flashback to Kokako). But our lattes arrived in a respectably sized glass vessel. They weren't horrible, but they weren't very exciting either. Bland coffee is worse than bad coffee. At least you can taste bad coffee.

We're with the locals on this one, and it's a miss. To be honest, they're probably being half assed because they have the market cornered in Piha. Maybe the locals should start a cafe with good home cooked food - they're half way there with The Piha Store. In fact, if you want great coffee, go to The Piha Store instead of the Piha Cafe.

In conclusion: "Just a hodge podge of things that were done better elsewhere."

Reviewed by B

The Longroom

The Longroom

114 Ponsonby Road

Ponsonby

I was ready to slag The Longroom off the first time I drove past it.

A new cafe/bar/restaurant/wank hangout that was built in the same space as the old Safari Lounge on Ponsonby Road. Sure, I welcomed the brand new renovations and didn't miss that horrible paper mache jungle collage that sat at the front of Safari. What I couldn't get past was that The Longroom seemed to add to an abundance of full-of-myself bars that populate Ponsonby and erred on the side of trying-too-hard.

But that's me. Quick to judge without even giving the poor place a chance. So off we went to The Longroom one morning, as we had found out that they had recently added a breakfast service.

When we arrived, we were quickly seated in the spacious courtyard by a very friendly Maître d'. She brought some water over along with some menus. We couldn't decide what to get for ages - the menu was quite interesting and offered some dishes that I hadn't seen on any other menus.

He ordered the Croque Madame and I ordered the Baked Eggs with tomato, bacon and feta. We ordered coffees which arrived promptly, and were hot and delicious. At this point, I was pretty much eating my hat. The service was very good and I was enjoying a bit of sun and good coffee in this spot.

The food arrived after a little while and we tucked in. The Croque Madame would have been good if it wasn't soggy, according to the male. We deduced that it was a mustard placement issue, but unfortunately it let the whole plate down.

My baked eggs were promising, served in a nice little ceramic dish and filled to the brim with breakfast goods. It even came with a bit of toast on the side, which I didn't order and was a nice touch.

However, as I tucked in, I discovered bits of clear egg white around the place. Come on! Undercooked baked eggs!? Are you kidding?

It wasn't too bad, there were bits that were cooked, so I ate around the uncooked. Couldn't taste much feta really, which was a shame. The rest of the dish was mostly very nice, although at the end, with all the tomato and undercooked egg, I was left with this weird, gazpatcho-esque breakfast soup. Not the best really.

Also, during breakfast, we watched the friendly Maître d' tell two wasters sitting next to us that she couldn't serve them any more alcohol unless they drank some water. At 11am. Isn't that what Supper Club is for? I don't mind if people want to drink all day, but there are places for that and it's not where I eat breakfast.

So much potential, but The Longroom was a definite miss. They have great coffee, and great service, but the food was a bit lack-lustre and there were dero's drinking the pain away next to us.

If they sort out the small food issues that they have, and get rid of the hospo drunks before the breakfast crowd roll in, The Longroom would be a great place to eat.

Reviewed by B.

Benny Addiction

Benediction Cafe

30 St Benedicts St

Newton

One of the more cleverly named cafes out there (see witty title above!), Benediction is slightly off the radar, tucked away between Upper Queen and Symonds St.

The best thing about this cafe is its digs. Bad-arse beton-brut outside with an industrial decor inside and a generous, sunny (although slightly windswept) courtyard out back.
So in the spirit of minimalism, I'll keep this review concise.

She had the scrambled eggs with parmesan and italian parsley. It arrived looking like how I scramble eggs (not well), appearance rather rubbery, and by account flavourless, even for eggs. The parmesan was conspicuous in its near-absence, and the parsley was no more than an afterthought.
"Disappointing."


I had the hiply named Red Flannel Hash. Hash being the key word here. It wasn't a hash. It was more of a breakfast salad consisting of quartered & sauteed potates, fresh tomato, some 50-50 garlic sausage (a bit like the inside of a wonton) and poached eggs. Not bad. Not good, either. If you want a hash, get the awesome saffron hash from S&D on Richmond Rd.

Coffee was acceptable. Slightly bitter, but OK.

The redeemer came in the form of her freshly made ginger, lime and apple juice. Generous amounts of ginger and lime, knock-socks-off material.

We gave them one last shot, grabbing some of the ginger crunch from the cabinet on the way out. The fanta pants at the till reckoned it was super-gingery (motif forming here?). Not the case. I think he'd confused ginger with sugar... rookie mistake.

A small, but irritating thing, also, is the lack of pepper, either proffered, or on table. It wasn't until it was too late that we spied the grinder in the corner.

Miss overall. Some tasty fresh juice is a reason to go to a juice bar, not a cafe. Give us a few more reasons and we'll come back.

Reviewed by A.

Kokako 'Konscious' Kafe

Kokako Cafe

492 Parnell Road,

Parnell

Kia ora tamaki makaurau, haere mai ki te Kokako Cafe... Righto, I've just exhausted the extent of my form 3 te reo, so lets get down to business.

Kokako (Vegetarian) Cafe is on Parnell Rd right on the intersection by the Domain entrance, and where the O.G. Al & Pete's used to be. First impressions were good: nice & bright, appealing cabinet kai and the place was packed (we hit it last Sunday, late morning). Nevertheless we were able to get a table without any hassle. Parking was right outside.

Le'ts talk about collective pronouns for a minute. WARNING! The proceeding is a personal rant and has nothing to do with food or coffee quality, both of which are excellent at the Kokako - skip forward if you're not concerned about service. Let's talk specifically about the use of the word 'guys'. This collective pronoun seems to pervade the hospitality industry. This can really fuck me off. Consider context; a group of young 'guys' being addressed as such I've no issue with, but using it as an all-purpose greeting, 'hey guys', can be potentially offensive. You wouldn't address your Nan and her mah-jong group as 'guys', and the table of Golden-Agers sitting behind us at Kokako I think would not appreciate it either. In our case, it was me and my woman-friend, and she's certainly no 'guy'.

My gripe extends beyond collective pronouns, and into over-familiarity of wait staff. Calling me 'boss' or 'chief' (thanks, Jafa) is condescending and doesn't make me feel welcome, quite the opposite... Oh, and by the way, I'm not your 'mate', or your 'bro', I'm your customer. This sort of carry-on is just not necessary. Polite and attentive, but not intrusive service is all I ask for. A friendly 'Hi' is enough to greet me. Sure, if I'm a regular at your cafe, then by all means venture some sort of deeper connection. Hey, why not introduce yourself, and I might tell you what my name is. Then you won't have call me 'guy' ever again. END OF RANT.

The Kokako has a trustafarian design aesthetic throughout. See the 60s chairs re-covered in coffee bean sacks, and ridiculous half jar, half mugs (more on these later). Granted, they are paid up members of the Rainforest Organic Indigenous Native Bean Vendors Collective Hail-Up Whatever. It's like an East Aucklander's interpretation of The Wellington Sound somehow manifest in a cafe form, which I think is what the Kokako is. Another interior design aspect of note is their faux-sarking feature wall. They've jacked some rough-sawn rimu (recycled, naturally) from some long-lost villa and stuck it over the top of their gib. Presumably to give the place a slightly more shabby feel. The overall effect is confused. This sort of behaviour, to me, seems to clash with their apparently socio-eco-conscious brand.

Enough bullshit. Their coffee is great. Their food is up there, too. In particular their poached eggs are textbook. Often you'll get something too runny, or even too cold, or with half the water used to cook it somehow wound-up on your plate. Refreshing.

Woman-friend's mango smoothie let them down in the beverage-stakes. "It was more yoghurt than the Fresh & Fruity I buy at the supermarket." This was the offender presented in a jar that had thread on top and a handle on the side. Such a vessel I've never come across before. Served this way it looked like cold custard. Frankly, I don't care about smoothies.
(Woman-friend edit: I care about smoothies a lot, and this was a disaster - see photo)

Unfortunately, definite miss. Go to the Kokako for a takeaway coffee. We're unlikely to be back there for anything more than that.

Reviewed by A.