Rabbit'ole

The Rabbit Hole

Corner Clifton & Jervois Roads

Herne Bay

Don't sleep!
Seems a vintage satchel-full of new boutique cafetoriums and eateries have sprung up overnight in our neck of...

More fodder for sarchastic web-loggers.

The Rabbit Hole (heretofore referred to as The Hole) is amongst this latest germination. It's at the far flung Bayfield School (alumnus, guilty) end of the Jer-vois, in what used to be some kind of bespoke jewellery studio called James. It's a low key affair, with a sun-ripened back deck, pon which you can enjoy the kai that's on offer.

The Hole appears to be patronised by quite a specific demographic... Namely upper-middle-class, upper-middle-aged Herne Burrough-ers. Interesting foil the organo-gluten-free-option-soy-chai skewed menu.

We waddled in, lowering the tone (myself especially) to squint at what was on offer. The counter girl had the air of someone who hadn't fully returned from the other side of the looking-glass, vaguely greeting us and then returning to staring into the middle distance.
J ordered the calamari, B eggs on toast, and I stuck my kneck out and copped the Green Chilli Scramble.

The plates were acceptable, arriving fairly promptly, if a little smaller portion-wise than what we're accustomed to. The Scramble was an interesting flavour combo of scrambled eggs, green chilli (no shit!) capers and designer leaves, and was deceptively filling. A supplementary side of Saus was defo unnecessary.

Mixed reviews on the coffee. I found mine OK. B's was too bitter to finish. J drinks mochas so his opinion is irrelevant.
"Make mine a fluffy to go, thanks..."

Bottom line is we're unlikely to return, making The Hole a Miss.

Peace to Lewis Carrol.

Capital Times' Review 3/7/11 can be seen here...

ZZ Tops

Zus & Zo

228 Jervois Road

Herne Bay

 We stopped off for a coffee one day at Zus & Zo, and were blown away by how good it was. I mean seriously, for all the cafes in Auckland, I don't know how many over-extracted, burnt, bitter coffees you have to go through to get a good one. Not at Zus & Zo, perfectly formed coffee, almost tasting like caramel. It was amazing. Slightly drug-like trance afterwards because of it.

So we went back this recent weekend to sample the more solid, edible side of Zus & Zo. It was very busy, which we always hope is a good sign. We easily found a table inside though, and quickly ordered two coffees. The menu was a nice change from the same-same breakfast menus we see everywhere - they almost don't really do breakfast, opting instead for lots of delicious looking homemade sandwiches. After much deliberation, I ordered the salmon and caramelised onion sandwich, while the man friend ordered ricotta, salmon and cucumber on homemade rye bread. Not gay.

Coffees came promptly, and the food followed soon after. "What is this small portion shit" I thought, at first, but as we tucked in, I realised that they were smart portions, not small. I tend to leave cafes feeling over full, let's say, 70% of the time. Actually, more like 80%. Completely disrespected. It's not a fun feeling, so smart portions are great.

My sandwich was more a toasted bap and had plenty of onion on it (praise jah) and came with a side salad that looked like it was out of a prepackaged plastic bag. Still haven't decided whether I'm against it or not. Man friend got one piece of rye bread, although it was rather long and delicious. Nothing like homemade bread. We weren't exactly schpunkin over the food, the coffee was definitely better - would schpunk over. The sandwiches were OK, slightly ho hum, but that might been because I was anticipating a breakfast, not a sandwich.

It was all fairly cheap, in relation to other expensive breakfasts. Straight no fuss good food and good coffee. Suits us, sir. The large table in the middle had a bunch of cakes and sweet treats on it that looked like they might give someone an early on-set heart attack (good thing) and also an array of zany communal condiments that seemed to have one flavour too many in each jar.

It had charm, and more importantly outstanding coffee. Don't know if we can rate it, this place falls slightly out of our jurisdiction. We highly recommend it.

Or(...nah)vieto

Orvieto

935A Mt Eden Road

Mt Eden

We'd been here once before after it'd had beaming reviews from several serial ravers, but for some indefinite reason we'd decided it was a miss.

This verdict was more intutitive than logical, especially as the food, coffee and service are all superlative. Everything on the menu sets the gob watering, making decision that much more challenging... In my case leading to serious self-disrespect on my second visit - Super Breakfast plus extra hash browns... 

So, yeah, after slack jawed incredulity on the part of it's proponents upon hearing the initial Miss verdict, (try saying that on a serious post cafe food-high) we decided to give Orvie's another chance. Same as before, the place was packed to the gunnels, yet there was no hassle getting a table for the half dozen of us. Tick No 1. No nonsense service, our orders arrived seriously fast. Tick No 2. The coffees are above sound. Tick No 3 (excepting the Robert Wadlow sized lattes which seem to be all over the show at present - WTF? There's enough milk in a stock-standard latte, thanks... It's like the spirit of the latte bowl - see Ponsonby circa 1997/Palmi North circa 2010 - has been summoned by some outcast voodoo barista and assumed a new and deceptive guise as the extra-tall (or 'Venti' for those of you who speak Starbucks) glass and/or gimmick vessell. With all this shite about gluten and dairy free alternatives you'd think punters would want less milk, not more... Unless of course it's soy chai.... Yeah! Fuck the rainforest! There's no Orangutans in Mt Eden anyway....) All boxes ticked, right?

Enough of my prejudice anyway. The bottom line is this place is good. Totes good. I'd go so far as to say that I'd recommend it. I just wouldn't go here of my own volition. Maybe it's because I get uncomfortable when I get too far inland. Maybe it was the kid dressed head to toe in what looked like Ed Hardy - surely tantamount to child abuse. I think the Miss status has less to do with Orvieto, and more with my preconceived ideas about Mt Eden and Mt Edenites. As one of my fellow brunchers succintly summarised: "they need to hurry up and open a pop-up branch in Ponsonby."

Conclusion: Hit

Chevalier Pointless Cafe

Chevalier Point

508 Point Chevalier Road

Pt. Chev.

We'd rode our fashion bikes past here a couple times, and were curious to check it.

The first thing I saw was one of the other patrons swatting a fly against the front window with his newspaper. From the head of the doorway they'd hung strips of clear plastic, which were clearly not functioning as intended. Pretty gross welcome really...

The surrounds are fairly unassuming, likewise the menu. Stock standard stuff really. Nothing wrong with the classics though, so she ordered the bacon benny, I the Pt Chev Mixed Grill.



Things went down hill.

After initial horror at spying yet another gimmick coffee vessel (I think it was another schooner glass) across the room, it was with relief that B's trim latte arrived in a regular sized glass after a couple minutes.
Tepid, coffee granuals floating around, "like bad instant".
After this dazzling initial review I wasn't too excited about my coffee, which hadn't yet arrived. Mine was actually OK. We decided hers needed to go back.
"Do you think you could please re-make this coffee? It doesn't taste very nice."
"What's wrong with it?"
"It just doesn't taste very nice..."
"What does it taste like?"
"Bad instant coffee..."
"OK... We'll re-make it... Yours was the trim, right?"
"Yes, my partner's is really nice, could you please make another like his?"
"It's probably cause you had trim milk..."
And then the other "barista" chimed in....

FOR FUCKS SAKE.

Hospo staff need to realise that just because you have some poxy Metro Best in Neighbourhood 2009 Award (not that hard in Pt Chev), you can't question your patrons' judgement. If your customer doesn't like the shit, half arsed coffee you made because you were too absorbed by daydreams of Grayson Coutts, don't give them attitude. Shut your mouth and make a better one, or fuck off and enrol in Servilles Academy.

This strikes me as another case of a cafe slipping into mediocrity because of lack of local competition.
It's almost not worth talking about the food. If a cafe can't be good at its most basic product, what's the point? But that wouldn't be entirely fair as it wasn't too bad. The Mixed Grill was plain but good. But they'd left a stalk in the roast tomato. The eggs on the benny were poached well, but the hollandaise "tasted like raw egg" and had made the english muffin (apparently baked fresh) soggy.

If I'm gonna fork out the best part of $40 for a breakfo, I want something better than what I could knock together at home.

Miss. Drop the attitude and try harder. Oh and Metro, don't just hand out an award to someone who's the best of a bad bunch... that's pointless.

Reviewed by A

The Piha Cafe

The Piha Cafe

Don't know the address, but it's the only cafe in Piha. Not hard to find.

B: "Why do you need a cafe in Piha?"
A: "For fucks like us"

 

The locals weren't into the idea of having The Piha Cafe. I wouldn't want Marc Ellis opening a cafe in my town either if I could help it. But somehow, someone got consent and The Piha Cafe opened. Sorry locals.

We jumped in the car and headed to Piha to watch our friend play an eclectic DJ set. How hip of us. We decided to check out this Piha Cafe that we'd seen a couple of reviews for. I can't say we'd drive to Piha to have breakfast on the regular. MAYBE Titirangi. But Piha is just a big winding road too far.

So we arrived at the cafe, found parking fairly easily (aka. right outside). Walking inside, I spied a number of "themed features". You know how much we love (try-hard) themes in cafes. There were bean bags around a low coffee table outside. Who is this for? Surfers? Do surfers like bean bags? Do they chill out after surfing a gnarly wave? I saw two women trying to eat their breakfasts whilst sitting on the beanbags, and they looked ridiculous.

The outside tables were ping pong tables. Nice idea, but poorly executed.  Between these, and the cutlery in old food tins, the lights with old Agee Jars as lamp shades and the zany "bach-like" atmosphere it was trying to create, no wonder the locals were so against it. It wasn't very sympathetic to the modern pavillion-style house that it was, and was all a bit too much to be honest.

Moving on, we ordered some food off the somewhat limited menu, although we didn't notice the specials (stylishly written on surfblackboard) until after we sat down as they were quite out of the way. I got poached eggs on toast, after being uninspired by anything else, with a side of rosemary potatoes. The male got french toast sandwich with banana and pecan, accompanied by a vanilla yoghurt and grilled bacon.

The bacon with the french toast was amazing. "It was thick, had caramelised bits on it and just was really tasty," says the male. The french toast was made from brioche and the whole dish was quite nice, but the vanilla yoghurt was slightly over the top.

The poached eggs were well cooked, although the potatoes were too many. I got almost half a bag of potatoes, and they weren't roasted long enough, still slightly hard on the inside. So yes. Good eggs, but not amazing.

Now, for the coffee. We both ordered lattes and they were both disappointing. At first we were terrified, as we had spied a couple drinking coffee from a schooner (flashback to Kokako). But our lattes arrived in a respectably sized glass vessel. They weren't horrible, but they weren't very exciting either. Bland coffee is worse than bad coffee. At least you can taste bad coffee.

We're with the locals on this one, and it's a miss. To be honest, they're probably being half assed because they have the market cornered in Piha. Maybe the locals should start a cafe with good home cooked food - they're half way there with The Piha Store. In fact, if you want great coffee, go to The Piha Store instead of the Piha Cafe.

In conclusion: "Just a hodge podge of things that were done better elsewhere."

Reviewed by B

The Longroom

The Longroom

114 Ponsonby Road

Ponsonby

I was ready to slag The Longroom off the first time I drove past it.

A new cafe/bar/restaurant/wank hangout that was built in the same space as the old Safari Lounge on Ponsonby Road. Sure, I welcomed the brand new renovations and didn't miss that horrible paper mache jungle collage that sat at the front of Safari. What I couldn't get past was that The Longroom seemed to add to an abundance of full-of-myself bars that populate Ponsonby and erred on the side of trying-too-hard.

But that's me. Quick to judge without even giving the poor place a chance. So off we went to The Longroom one morning, as we had found out that they had recently added a breakfast service.

When we arrived, we were quickly seated in the spacious courtyard by a very friendly Maître d'. She brought some water over along with some menus. We couldn't decide what to get for ages - the menu was quite interesting and offered some dishes that I hadn't seen on any other menus.

He ordered the Croque Madame and I ordered the Baked Eggs with tomato, bacon and feta. We ordered coffees which arrived promptly, and were hot and delicious. At this point, I was pretty much eating my hat. The service was very good and I was enjoying a bit of sun and good coffee in this spot.

The food arrived after a little while and we tucked in. The Croque Madame would have been good if it wasn't soggy, according to the male. We deduced that it was a mustard placement issue, but unfortunately it let the whole plate down.

My baked eggs were promising, served in a nice little ceramic dish and filled to the brim with breakfast goods. It even came with a bit of toast on the side, which I didn't order and was a nice touch.

However, as I tucked in, I discovered bits of clear egg white around the place. Come on! Undercooked baked eggs!? Are you kidding?

It wasn't too bad, there were bits that were cooked, so I ate around the uncooked. Couldn't taste much feta really, which was a shame. The rest of the dish was mostly very nice, although at the end, with all the tomato and undercooked egg, I was left with this weird, gazpatcho-esque breakfast soup. Not the best really.

Also, during breakfast, we watched the friendly Maître d' tell two wasters sitting next to us that she couldn't serve them any more alcohol unless they drank some water. At 11am. Isn't that what Supper Club is for? I don't mind if people want to drink all day, but there are places for that and it's not where I eat breakfast.

So much potential, but The Longroom was a definite miss. They have great coffee, and great service, but the food was a bit lack-lustre and there were dero's drinking the pain away next to us.

If they sort out the small food issues that they have, and get rid of the hospo drunks before the breakfast crowd roll in, The Longroom would be a great place to eat.

Reviewed by B.

Benny Addiction

Benediction Cafe

30 St Benedicts St

Newton

One of the more cleverly named cafes out there (see witty title above!), Benediction is slightly off the radar, tucked away between Upper Queen and Symonds St.

The best thing about this cafe is its digs. Bad-arse beton-brut outside with an industrial decor inside and a generous, sunny (although slightly windswept) courtyard out back.
So in the spirit of minimalism, I'll keep this review concise.

She had the scrambled eggs with parmesan and italian parsley. It arrived looking like how I scramble eggs (not well), appearance rather rubbery, and by account flavourless, even for eggs. The parmesan was conspicuous in its near-absence, and the parsley was no more than an afterthought.
"Disappointing."


I had the hiply named Red Flannel Hash. Hash being the key word here. It wasn't a hash. It was more of a breakfast salad consisting of quartered & sauteed potates, fresh tomato, some 50-50 garlic sausage (a bit like the inside of a wonton) and poached eggs. Not bad. Not good, either. If you want a hash, get the awesome saffron hash from S&D on Richmond Rd.

Coffee was acceptable. Slightly bitter, but OK.

The redeemer came in the form of her freshly made ginger, lime and apple juice. Generous amounts of ginger and lime, knock-socks-off material.

We gave them one last shot, grabbing some of the ginger crunch from the cabinet on the way out. The fanta pants at the till reckoned it was super-gingery (motif forming here?). Not the case. I think he'd confused ginger with sugar... rookie mistake.

A small, but irritating thing, also, is the lack of pepper, either proffered, or on table. It wasn't until it was too late that we spied the grinder in the corner.

Miss overall. Some tasty fresh juice is a reason to go to a juice bar, not a cafe. Give us a few more reasons and we'll come back.

Reviewed by A.

Graceful

Grace Cafe

138 Hinemoa Street

Birkenhead

Recently, we managed to make it to Grace Cafe. We went searching for this place ages ago, but it's so close to another good cafe (Villa is about 5 steps away) that we never made it there to eat. And now we have.

We arrived around 11.30am. I was a bit weary when I walked in - they were playing drum'n'bass. Why, oh why would you choose to play drum'n'bass in a cafe? Evil, dark, grimey, 180bpm, picking-carrots-at-Fu-Bar-at-2-in-the-morning drum'n'bass. Of all the genres that exist on the planet, of all the amazing music to pick, you pick one of the most annoying genres. Attention cafes: playing drum'n'bass does not make you very inviting, it doesn't prove that you're "urban" and it won't convince the kids that you're down with them.

Admittedly, it was a pretty vanilla drum'n'bass track, one of Shapeshifter's more downbeat-upbeat chilled vibed-out joints. But drum'n'bass is drum'n'bass, and it does not belong anywhere near any cafe I attend for breakfast. There is nothing worse than an incessant onslaught of shrill hi-hats and bad synth noises beating your head into your morning coffee. I tried to ignore it, to give them a fair chance and not dismiss them based on a my own musical bias.

And then, as if by magical telepathy, the drum'n'bass stopped. And some mid-tempo obscure indie music started. Not good enough for me to ask after, but good enough to go nicely in the background. Thank goodness.

The menu covered all the bases, and the girl behind the counter waited patiently while I ummed and ahhed over the eggs bene or the mushrooms or the fritters, etc. In the end, I ordered the roasted portabello mushrooms with lemon sauce on sour dough (from memory), an eggs bene for the male half of EB, two lattes and a mango smoothie for me. The girl seemed to struggle a little bit typing it all into the till, and I'm almost positive she missed something, because all of that came to $32. Pretty reasonably priced if that is right.

Now, the banana smoothie. We all remember this smoothie vessel disaster. I desperately hoped I wasn't going to encounter something similar here. And again, I wasn't disappointed. The smoothie arrived in a tall glass, with one black straw. Delicious and not too thick. Thumbs up from me.

The coffee arrived soon after, hot and well made. Things were going well, until the waitress brought our plates over and said "Here you go, guys". If you're not familiar with the dislike of the collective pronoun "guys", check out this rant here.

Moving on very quickly from that bone of contention, the food was great. My mushrooms were phenomenal, and the lemon sauce was not as rich as I thought it would be (good thing). The eggs were cooked well in the bene, and the hollandaise was freshly made in the cafe that day. House made hollandaise ALWAYS makes a difference. Cafes who don't make their own hollandaise are so weird. Why don't you do it? Is it too hard for you? Did you skip that day of chef school? That's a textbook cafe essential.

The service wasn't exactly attentive, but we were quite low maintenance that day. The waitresses in the cafe were friendly and approachable, & the cafe itself was exactly the same.

Hit. This cafe is great - good food, great coffee and extremely well priced. As long as they avoid calling large groups of people "guys" and steer clear of drum'n'bass before 3pm, they've got a bright future.

Reviewed by B.

Kokako 'Konscious' Kafe

Kokako Cafe

492 Parnell Road,

Parnell

Kia ora tamaki makaurau, haere mai ki te Kokako Cafe... Righto, I've just exhausted the extent of my form 3 te reo, so lets get down to business.

Kokako (Vegetarian) Cafe is on Parnell Rd right on the intersection by the Domain entrance, and where the O.G. Al & Pete's used to be. First impressions were good: nice & bright, appealing cabinet kai and the place was packed (we hit it last Sunday, late morning). Nevertheless we were able to get a table without any hassle. Parking was right outside.

Le'ts talk about collective pronouns for a minute. WARNING! The proceeding is a personal rant and has nothing to do with food or coffee quality, both of which are excellent at the Kokako - skip forward if you're not concerned about service. Let's talk specifically about the use of the word 'guys'. This collective pronoun seems to pervade the hospitality industry. This can really fuck me off. Consider context; a group of young 'guys' being addressed as such I've no issue with, but using it as an all-purpose greeting, 'hey guys', can be potentially offensive. You wouldn't address your Nan and her mah-jong group as 'guys', and the table of Golden-Agers sitting behind us at Kokako I think would not appreciate it either. In our case, it was me and my woman-friend, and she's certainly no 'guy'.

My gripe extends beyond collective pronouns, and into over-familiarity of wait staff. Calling me 'boss' or 'chief' (thanks, Jafa) is condescending and doesn't make me feel welcome, quite the opposite... Oh, and by the way, I'm not your 'mate', or your 'bro', I'm your customer. This sort of carry-on is just not necessary. Polite and attentive, but not intrusive service is all I ask for. A friendly 'Hi' is enough to greet me. Sure, if I'm a regular at your cafe, then by all means venture some sort of deeper connection. Hey, why not introduce yourself, and I might tell you what my name is. Then you won't have call me 'guy' ever again. END OF RANT.

The Kokako has a trustafarian design aesthetic throughout. See the 60s chairs re-covered in coffee bean sacks, and ridiculous half jar, half mugs (more on these later). Granted, they are paid up members of the Rainforest Organic Indigenous Native Bean Vendors Collective Hail-Up Whatever. It's like an East Aucklander's interpretation of The Wellington Sound somehow manifest in a cafe form, which I think is what the Kokako is. Another interior design aspect of note is their faux-sarking feature wall. They've jacked some rough-sawn rimu (recycled, naturally) from some long-lost villa and stuck it over the top of their gib. Presumably to give the place a slightly more shabby feel. The overall effect is confused. This sort of behaviour, to me, seems to clash with their apparently socio-eco-conscious brand.

Enough bullshit. Their coffee is great. Their food is up there, too. In particular their poached eggs are textbook. Often you'll get something too runny, or even too cold, or with half the water used to cook it somehow wound-up on your plate. Refreshing.

Woman-friend's mango smoothie let them down in the beverage-stakes. "It was more yoghurt than the Fresh & Fruity I buy at the supermarket." This was the offender presented in a jar that had thread on top and a handle on the side. Such a vessel I've never come across before. Served this way it looked like cold custard. Frankly, I don't care about smoothies.
(Woman-friend edit: I care about smoothies a lot, and this was a disaster - see photo)

Unfortunately, definite miss. Go to the Kokako for a takeaway coffee. We're unlikely to be back there for anything more than that.

Reviewed by A.

YUUUUM CHA

Dynasty Chinese Restaurant
57 - 59 Wakefield Street.

Yum Cha. Not exactly breakfast, but the lines between breakfast and lunch blur when you wake up at 11.30am on a Saturday. We had planned to go to this organic vegetarian cafe (lah dee dah) for breakfast, when our friend texted us and said "Yum cha?". Why not?

Dynasty is a Chinese restaurant in Auckland City. You'll get a table pretty easily, unlike some other popular yum cha destinations in town. Slightly dated decor, which we're feeling, and the food comes quick and hot. Highlights are the cha siu baau (steamed pork buns), siu mai (weird pork and prawn dumpling things), the sticky rice, rice noodle rolls (with coriander), the beans and never ending green tea. The sesame balls deserve a mention as well. Hard to describe but yummo.

If you're not familiar with yum cha (or if you're gwai lo, like us), here's a run down on the dishes you can find.

The service is pretty damn good, highly attentive but not intrusive. No coffee from this place, but the food is well worth it. For three of us to eat it was a mere $48, so it almost doesn't fall into the bracket of "expensive".

Definite hit. Great hangover food and easy on the wallet. Three people is the magic number, only attempt two if you're in the mood to get disrespected.

Reviewed by A & B.

"We don't serve vanilla lattes here... We do coffee lattes... ahem"

Welcome to Expensive Breakfast, take a seat and I'll bring you a menu... any coffees to start? We're here to give proper reviews of Auckland cafes. This blog is born of frustration at the mediocre experiences all too often served up at Auckland's daytime eateries. Sick of unreliable Weekend Herald recommendations? We are too. So jam EB in your iPhone, and check us out before you set foot in any old coffee shop...